{I love that my flowers match my calendar this month but I hate that the hydrangeas wilted on the car ride home}
Today I turn 29! :D Or as Paul likes to remind me, I'm entering into my 30th year of being alive. Thanks for the reminder, babe...
Late 20's as a female, wife, and new mother is an interesting place to be. I honestly compare it to puberty. Stay with me...
First, I'm unsure and insecure of my decisions - which diaper rash cream is the safest for Roswelle? How in the world do I figure out Roswelle's shoe size? Is she sleeping too much? Why didn't she sleep well today? Is she too hot? Is she too cold? Am I helping create a sense of security? Am I creating OCD characteristics in my child? Is she happy? Ahhhhh. I second guess my decisions all the time. I know I will get better and be a more confident mother as time goes on, but the struggle as a first time mom is real. Even though I'm trying my best, I still feel like I fall short. But like anything else, I will eventually "get it" and be a calm, confident mother and woman (I hope).
Secondly, I feel awkward in my own skin or even clothes. I'm in a weird transition between still wanting to be young, care-free, and cool and feeling the pull of being appropriate, put-together, and classic. I don't shop at Forever 21 or trendy boutiques as much but I'm not ready to only shop at Ann Taylor and Banana Republic. I'm somewhere in between. As soon as I put on a classic, mono-tone outfit for a night with girlfriends, I feel boring. But then I put on a trendy dress with boots and chunky jewelry and I feel ridiculous. Cleaning out my closet a few months ago helped me realize I have certain trends I navigate towards but I still don't have a effortless "uniform." Oh, and 29 is also great for stretch marks... and breakouts. amazing. I also can'ttttt lose the last 10 pounds...but do I really care? I go back and forth....
Finally, and I'm trying to navigate how to become the authentic "woman" I want to be. I can picture the organized, confident, punctual, happy woman (without stains on her clothes) that I strive to be but sometimes I see the messy, scattered, "late-but-she-made-it", belly-laughing, also confident, woman too. I like both versions. And both versions get on my nerves. I don't have to figure out exactly who I am by the time I am 30, but it sure would be nice. "This is me, take it or leave it, I am me. I am authentically me." At 29, I am on time but I have sweet potato on my shirt. I'll have checked off my to-do list but my credit-cards and phone are shoved in the back pocket of my jeans.
Feels all too familiar of being an insecure, awkward, complex 14 year old. My mom will tell me how she wishes I could know what she knows after 50 years of living, 4 kids, and a 25yr marriage. But she also knows that just like puberty, it's a transition that we all must go through and I will eventually get to the other side. And much like I did when I was in 8th grade, I cry and laugh about this "journey" on a daily basis.
Just for fun, I made two lists below: things I love, and things I hate at 29. I think I'll like reading this years from now!
Things I love:
Iced coffee in the afternoon; getting intentional kisses from Roswelle; that "Cheerleader" song; when Paul comes home early; Pellegrino with lemon; getting up early; thin, gold fashion rings; the Real Housewives shows; hair appointments!; FaceTime with my Mom; funky sunglasses; Real Simple magazine; @fatjewish on Instagram; our huge, comfy, all white-linen bed; the backyard at the cottage; organic anything; embracing that I am totally "basic".
Things I hate:
Wrinkles on my forehead, going to bed early because I'll be up early; not drinking (why can't non-alcoholic beverage bottles be as pretty?); always losing one earring; no longer being able to lose weight on a cereal-only diet; how quickly our car get trashed; gossip magazines; when Roswelle soaks through her diaper; when Paul points out spelling errors in my posts a day late; March in Boston.
Today I'm heading into the city to meet Paul at Kane's Donuts downtown for a birthday donut with Roswelle (I will let her have some!) Later tonight, Paul and I are going to dinner at Assembly Row and then seeing Jurassic World - I'm sooo excited!!